Conflict is inevitable. Dysfunction is optional.
Can't we all just get along? Not if we want to grow.
Ever been in a group or team working on something important, that everyone on the team feels passionate about, and then the whole thing falls apart?
Have you worked with people who disappeared, dominated, deceived, or caused drama?
We might think that since we care about the same mission and outcome, we're all going to get along and be nice to each other. Instead, it's almost always the case that working with others, especially when what we're doing is important to us, can bring up conflicts and challenges. How can we turn that conflict into a brilliant opportunity to increase our connection and actually grow together as a team?
Recently I wrote a 'policy' about conflict for the amazing nonprofit whose board I chair, Tech Fleet. There's a lot that applies to any team trying to do purpose-driven work, so here’s an adapted version that can apply to any team or group trying to work together. How does it land for you? You might find it helpful to talk through this approach with your team and to discover how conflict can be generative for you.
How to deal with conflict
When we work together, many challenges can arise. Our primary goal on our training projects is to learn to work successfully on cross-functional teams. As service-focused leaders, we are all collectively responsible for the success of our projects and our team cohesion.
We also recognise that working on a project can sometimes bring up tensions and conflicts. We are people with different personalities, experiences, and skills. What are our responsibilities when we’re working with a team and how can we deal with emerging challenges?
Conflict is not abuse. All dysfunctional conflict is a competition to be the victim. Our mutual success comes from willingness to treat conflicts as opportunities for growth, even when we feel like we’re not responsible.
We can’t change other people. Opportunities for growth and leadership come from learning how to work with people we don’t agree with, relate to, or even sometimes like. We learn how to find ways for mutual benefit instead of demanding people align to our ways of thinking or behaving.
We operate with a mindset of stewardship. As service leaders, we do not look for ways to police others, criticize, or blame. We are always looking to see how we can support others in productive, positive ways.
We live in the real world. Even though we are a collective, community-run organization, power dynamics still exist. It’s a good idea to notice where you have implicit power, whether because of your role on the project, your level of experience, your status in a cultural or societal context, or your comfort with English. We’re here to remove barriers to access and we always want to be mindful to be encouraging to those who may be facing obstacles, even if we didn’t ourselves impose the obstacles.
Process for resolving conflicts:
Take ownership of your experience from the beginning. Recognise that every situation has different perspectives. Start by naming your own experience. For example, “I notice that when I am coming to this meeting I am feeling a sense of dread that I may not be heard,” instead of “you don’t listen to me.”
Do not assume a position of power-over, even if you are a lead. By this, we mean do not threaten, coerce, or direct others to do things as though you are in command. Do not assume that anyone on the team has more “say” by virtue of their role.
Focus on the problem and factual information not other people’s personalities or your interpretation of other peoples’ behaviour. For example, you may feel that someone is being too pushy. You might say, “I am noticing that I don’t feel good or comfortable with this direction yet. Can we consider what we would need to know to make a good decision?”
Use the situation to learn. Humility is an essential aspect of service leadership. Remember, we all come into situations with our own lived experience and triggers. How can this situation help you to see how you might solve a problem like this at work or in your other relationships? What could you do differently to be more encouraging, supportive, or helpful to others on your team?
Avoid blame. When we do root cause analysis, we may see that the structures we’re working in are leading to some of the behaviour we don’t like. Look for ways for everyone to benefit, and avoid win-loss or “grudging compromise.”
Seek support. If you are in a situation where you feel that you’re not being adequately considered, seek support. This does not mean “build a case for why you are right.” Get personal support and perspective by consulting with a peer. This might be your group lead or project coordinator, or the Agile Coach if your project has one.
Ask for help. If your issues can’t be resolved in the group, or if you are overwhelmed and you need someone to listen, get help beyond the team. As a community-driven org, our goal is to support one another to find good ways to handle tension and conflict, not to fix situations by making decisions for the team, but a fresh perspective can help when things get heated.
A few other guidelines:
Do not use text-based communication to resolve conflicts. If there is an issue, use voice and ideally video to communicate.
Get into the right headspace. When you are feeling agitated, wronged, or angry at another person, you may not act as your best self. Take time to calm down. If you’re in a meeting, you might say, “I need some time to consider this” or “I’d like to talk about this when I am feeling more centered.”
Use discretion to decide if you should address issues one-on-one or with the team. If you can share what you’re noticing compassionately and with openness to the perspectives of the other person, then a one-on-one dialogue can be great. Imagine how you would want someone to share an issue with you. If it feels like the group is being disrupted by a conflict, it can be very helpful to do a group exercise, such as TRIZ. Remember that our goal is always to find a way forward, not to assign blame.
Clarify the processes of the team. Before the project starts, have a plan for dealing with conflict.
Recognise different communication styles. Some people may simply be very passionate about a particular issue, and may not see their behaviour as being “difficult.”
Report explicit violations. If you witness or experience behaviour that goes beyond conflict, such as someone harassing or abusing others, sharing sensitive data, or other explicit violations, please get help. Make sure it’s clear where to go when these come up and that there’s no repercussions for reporting them.
Are there other things your team does to have productive conflict? Please share!
You are also welcome to join Tech Fleet- it’s an amazing community of people practicing service leadership skills and making cool tech for nonprofits!