How to not be JADED

It's not easy but it is possible to stop arguing. (+ some interesting jobs)

Feb 08, 2026

Service leadership combines humility, curiosity, and an intention to collaborate towards exceptional outcomes. Being a service leader isn’t just about supporting others to excel, it’s also about understanding and taking care of yourself. Service leadership is an optimistic position coming from the idea that we can do great things together.

So, when we work with other people in a service leadership mindset, it’s critical we avoid being JADED.

The JADED acronym can help us spot the ways of being that take us out of receiving feedback and put distance between us and others.

J - Justifying

A - Accusing

D- Denying

E- Explaining

D- Defending

Stay out of JADED-ness

When we feel misunderstood, criticised, or under attack, the natural instinct is to try to correct the other person. Especially when we believe they are misinformed or misinterpreting us, we want to set things right immediately.

Unfortunately, reacting this way is almost always going to lead to the person doubling down on their objections. Now, not only are we guilty of whatever it is they are coming to us with, (they think) they also aren’t being heard!

How can we respond when we feel accused?

David Burns, one of the godfathers of psychology and CBT, suggests that one of the most important steps in the Five Secrets of Effective Communication is the “Disarming Technique.” Using this approach, which takes a lot of practice, you can agree with whatever the person is saying before trying to explain anything. This doesn’t mean “pretending to agree” or saying something like “that’s your opinion.” It means actually listening and trying to find some truth in what they are saying, even if the actual accusation is factually incorrect.

For example, someone might come to you and say, “You didn’t send that email and it made me look bad. I didn’t know about this deadline and now Jesse is mad at me.”

And you might be thinking, “wait, it wasn’t my job to send that email, what are you talking about?”

Using the Disarming Technique, you might say, “yeah, I can see that the email wasn’t sent and now Jesse is blaming you for not knowing about the deadline.” Or you could say, “oh, no, you’re right, I didn’t send the email. And now you’re feeling like you’re getting blamed, and I can tell it’s really frustrating.” Notice that you can agree without taking the specific blame, without discounting the person’s experience of the situation.

To do this well, you need to have some tools to self-regulate. You want to be able to hear and absorb the criticism, recognise its truth, but not to go into a shame spiral or a defense. You need to remember that you have inherent dignity, that someone accusing you of something doesn’t change that, and if you did make a mistake, it’s something you can learn from. In most cases, you’re in the conversation because you ultimately want to be in relationship with this person or you share a common goal.

Humility does not require humiliation

Being willing to listen to negative feedback does not require us to be humiliated. When we listen with the knowledge that we’re here to learn, support our own and others’ growth, with curiosity, we don’t need to feel humiliated, even when someone else is coming at us without offering grace or kindness. Most aggression has its roots in fear. With compassion, we can receive anger and learn to work with it like an aikido master, letting it pass harmlessly over our consciousness.

To make this possible, try to practice as much as you can. Invite criticism in less charged environments so you can experience it without being activated. Ask people you trust to criticise you, perhaps starting with low-stakes criticism, and work your way up to things that provoke your own fear of being judged or being wrong.

It’s not an apology unless you intend to change

Disarming is a great way to ensure that the other person feels heard, but it doesn’t automatically come with an apology.

Saying you’re sorry when you don’t mean it or have an intention to do something differently will only come off as insincere and spark more frustration. Consider how you can see the person’s perspective while also maintaining your own sense of integrity. Your perspective is valid, not MORE valid, and it’s true for you. The opportunity in any conflict is to find ways to expand the context available to you and to find ways to connect with yourself and others. All dysfunctional conflict is a contest to be the victim.

When you are being gaslit

What if someone is intentionally criticising you for things you’re not ‘guilty’ of or implying accusations without naming them explicitly? This can be pretty frustrating, not to mention hard to respond to with care.

It’s still a good idea to find a way to return to our equilibrium before we address the problem. Having a trusted ally can help us in this scenario, but be careful it doesn’t turn into a situation where either you’re now blaming without taking any responsibility, removing your own autonomy, or on the other hand, talking to someone who will further question your perceptions.

In these situations, it’s less important to be right than to find a way to extricate yourself enough to decide if you want to continue the relationship with your gaslighter (accepting that the behaviour will probably continue) or to sever ties. If the person doesn’t have direct power over you, then maybe you can live with it, but if they are your boss or otherwise hold legal power in your life, exploring ways to get out is imperative, even if you’re not ready to act on the information yet.

What if they don’t listen to you?

Avoiding JADED-ness can be challenging when we feel like we have our own complaints or criticisms that are not being heard or received.

We are allowed to address any concerns we have. Consider separating that part of the conversation from the complaints you’re receiving.

Can you, for example, keep listening until they have said all that they need to, and you’ve confirmed that they feel you’ve heard and understood them? Once they are satisfied, you might ask, “I also want to share some things on my mind- is now a time you can hear me?” If they are still angry, it’s very unlikely that they will be able to productively hear your perspective. Forcing them to listen when they are not available will only leave you feeling like you’re not getting the same respect you offered, leading to resentment.

Know that our own responsibility isn’t to change someone else or to shift their perspective. We can only reveal our own experience and in that process, without expectation, we’ll learn more about the relationship we’re in.

As we practice from a non-JADED perspective, we gain the skills needed to be in difficult situations with people we care about, even when we don’t agree. We find the freedom of choosing to belong even when we are under fire, and the belonging that comes from being responsible for our own actions, behaviours, and care for our relationships.

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